The cycle of a narcissist (predict the unpredictable)

The cycle of a narcissist typically follows a predictable pattern of manipulation that keeps their victim emotionally trapped. This cycle is often referred to as the idealization, devaluation, and discard cycle, and it starts with love bombing. Here's a breakdown of each stage:

1. Love Bombing (The Idealization Stage)

This is the first and most intoxicating phase of the cycle. During this stage, the narcissist overwhelms their victim with excessive attention, affection, and flattery. They present themselves as the perfect partner, friend, or family member, making the victim feel special, seen, and deeply valued.

• What they do:

  • Shower you with compliments, gifts, or grand gestures.

  • Constantly text or call to express their "undying love" or admiration.

  • Mirror your desires and values to appear as your soulmate.

  • Create a "fairy tale" dynamic that feels too good to be true.

  • Promise an ideal future (this is called future faking) to keep you emotionally invested.

• Why they do it: Narcissists need validation and control. By creating an illusion of perfection, they ensure their victim becomes dependent on them emotionally. This phase is a hook to gain your trust and attachment.

2. Devaluation Stage

Once the victim is hooked and emotionally dependent, the narcissist's behavior starts to shift. The adoration and praise from the love-bombing phase slowly give way to criticism, manipulation, and emotional abuse.

• What they do:

  • Subtle put-downs or backhanded compliments to lower your self-esteem.

  • Gaslighting, makes you doubt your reality (e.g., "That never happened" or "You’re too sensitive").

  • Comparing you to others or making you feel like you’re not enough.

  • Withholding affection, validation, or attention, leaves you feeling confused and desperate to "win them back."

  • Alternating between kindness and cruelty to keep you off balance (this is called intermittent reinforcement).

• Why they do it: Narcissists thrive on control. By tearing down the victim's self-esteem and creating uncertainty, they maintain dominance. This stage ensures that the victim works harder to regain the love and validation from the initial love-bombing phase.

3. Discard Stage

Once the narcissist feels they have drained the victim of their emotional energy or finds a new source of validation, they move to the discard phase. This stage is devastating for the victim, as the narcissist abruptly pulls away, leaving them confused, hurt, and longing for the initial love they received.

• What they do:

  • Abruptly end the relationship or distance themselves emotionally.

  • Blame you for the downfall of the relationship ("It’s your fault I’m unhappy").

  • Smear your reputation to mutual friends, family, or colleagues (this is called a smear campaign).

  • Replace you with a new source of validation (a new partner, friend, or colleague) almost immediately.

  • Act indifferent to your pain, appearing as if they’ve "moved on" overnight.

• Why they do it: Narcissists discard their victims when they feel their control is slipping, the victim no longer serves their needs, or they’ve found a new source of supply. This phase further ensures the victim remains confused and broken.

4. Hoovering (Optional Stage)

Sometimes, after the discard phase, a narcissist reinitiates contact with the victim. This is called hoovering (like a vacuum cleaner, sucking you back into their cycle).

• What they do:

  • Apologize or claim they’ve changed.

  • Use emotional tactics like guilt, pity, or promises of a better future.

  • Remind you of the "good times" during the love-bombing phase.

  • Pretend to need your help or support, appealing to your empathy.

• Why they do it: Narcissists may hoover to regain control, keep you as a backup source of validation, or punish you for trying to move on. It’s another manipulation tactic to restart the cycle.

Remember: A narcissist doesn’t change. The cycle will repeat as long as you allow it. Breaking free requires clarity, strength, and support. You deserve love that is genuine, respectful, and kind—not conditional or manipulative.

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