Understanding the Needs of Children: A Psychological Perspective
Children are not born to fulfill their parents' expectations—they are individuals with their own needs, dreams, and identities. Many parents believe that their role is to tame, discipline, and dictate rather than to facilitate growth, provide emotional security, and nurture independence. But what do children truly need to develop into healthy, self-sufficient adults?
Using insights from Erik Erikson, Maslow, and Freud, this article explores the psychological needs of children, especially those between 16-25 years old, and invites parents to shift their parenting paradigm from control to empowerment.
The Core Needs of Children (16-25 years old)
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: What Every Child Needs to Thrive
Maslow’s five-stage pyramid outlines what every human needs for psychological well-being. Parents often assume that providing food, clothing, and education is enough. However, true development requires emotional, psychological, and cognitive support as well.
Physiological Needs (Basic Survival)
Food, water, shelter, sleep, and physical health.
Parents must ensure that their child’s basic needs are met without using them as a form of control (e.g., withholding affection or financial support as punishment).
Safety and Security
Emotional and physical safety, stability, and a predictable environment.
Parents must provide a safe space—not just physically, but emotionally, where children can express without fear of punishment, ridicule, or guilt-tripping.
Love and Belonging
Acceptance, trust, emotional connection, and a sense of belonging.
Many parents confuse conditional validation ("I love you when you do what I approve of") with true love. Children thrive when they feel valued for who they are, not for how well they fit into their parents' expectations.
Esteem and Independence
Recognition, encouragement, and self-confidence.
Instead of constantly pointing out where their child is failing, parents should encourage them to try, fail, and learn without feeling inadequate.
Self-Actualization (Identity and Purpose)
Exploring interests, self-growth, and personal goals.
Parents who dictate their child’s career path, life choices, and relationships often deprive them of the ability to develop self-trust.
The Difference Between Needs and Wants
Many parents fulfill their children’s wants (such as expensive gadgets, clothes, and extracurriculars) while depriving them of basic emotional and psychological needs (such as validation, autonomy, and a safe space to express emotions).
Wants: These are desires that provide temporary satisfaction (e.g., a new phone, trendy clothes, high-end experiences).
Needs: These are essential for psychological and emotional development (e.g., self-worth, emotional security, guidance, and trust).
By focusing on wants over needs, children either become entitled (when overindulged) or low in confidence (when emotionally deprived).
Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development (16-25 Years)
According to Erikson, individuals at this stage are developing identity and intimacy. They need:
A sense of self, separate from their parents.
Opportunities to make mistakes and learn.
Healthy relationships where they can practice emotional regulation.
When parents micromanage every decision, children struggle with self-doubt and low confidence, leaving them unprepared for adulthood.
Freud’s Perspective: Parental Projection and Emotional Supply
Freud believed that parents often project their unmet desires and fears onto their children. Examples include:
A father who never pursued his sports career forcing his child into rigorous training, believing it makes him a "good parent."
A mother who wasn’t allowed to follow her dreams living through her daughter’s academic or career success.
Parents who lack emotional intelligence **dismissing their child's emotions as "dramatic" or "immature."
These unconscious projections lead to resentment and emotional burnout in children, as they begin to live not for themselves, but for their parents' validation.
Understanding Narcissism in Parenting
Narcissism: A personality trait where one seeks excessive admiration and lacks empathy for others.
Narcissistic Extension: When parents treat their children as an extension of their own ego rather than as separate individuals.
Narcissistic Injury: When a child’s independence, differing opinions, or failures are seen as a personal attack on the parent’s identity.
Parents who see their children as extensions of themselves either:
Overindulge them, leading to entitlement and dependence on external validation.
Over-discipline them, leading to low self-esteem and emotional suppression.
The Cocoon and the Butterfly
A small worm, preparing for transformation, spun itself into a cocoon. Day by day, it struggled inside, pushing against the thin walls. A kind gardener, seeing its struggle, decided to help. Gently, he cut open the cocoon, freeing the emerging butterfly.
But something was wrong—the butterfly’s wings were weak and underdeveloped. Without the struggle, it had not built the strength needed to fly. The gardener’s well-intended help had robbed it of its right to grow. Unable to fly, the butterfly soon perished.
Parents must ask themselves:
Are you allowing your child to develop resilience, or are you taking away their struggles out of your own fears?
Paradigm Shift: From Control to Facilitation
Many parents believe granting freedom means allowing relationships, modern clothing, or career choices. However, real freedom is in trusting children to manage their emotions, make age-appropriate decisions, and learn from their mistakes.
If parents truly want to prepare their children for adulthood, they must:
Listen, rather than command.
Encourage exploration, rather than dictate paths.
Trust, rather than guilt-trip.
Provide emotional security, rather than criticism.
Scripts That Communicate Love, Trust, and Support
Parents can shift their communication style with simple changes:
❌ "You always fail because you never listen!"
✅ "I know you're figuring things out, and I trust you will make the best decision for yourself."
❌ "You don’t know anything, you should just listen to me."
✅ "I have my experience, and you have yours—let’s find a way to learn from each other."
❌ "Stop crying, it’s not a big deal."
✅ "I see that you're upset. Do you want to talk about it?"
❌ "Because I said so, that's why!"
\✅ "Here’s why I feel this way. Let’s talk about what you think."
❌ "You never do anything right!"
✅ "I see you're trying, and I appreciate your effort. Let's find a way to improve together."
❌ "I don't have time for this!"
✅ "I want to give you my full attention. Let’s talk in a bit when I can focus."
❌ "You're too young to understand."
✅ "I know this might be confusing, but let me help you make sense of it."
A Call for Conscious Parenting
A child raised in a home that prioritizes love, security, and emotional intelligence will naturally become a responsible, confident adult. Not because they were tamed—but because they were empowered.
Self-Assessment Worksheet for Parents
Conscious and Facilitative Parenting
Instructions:
This worksheet is designed to help parents reflect on their parenting style, emotional intelligence, and unconscious projections. Answer honestly and consider areas for growth.
1. Understanding Your Parenting Approach
A. Reflection on Control vs. Facilitation
Do I make decisions for my child, or do I guide them to make their own?
When my child makes a mistake, do I:
a) Shame or punish them?
b) Help them reflect and learn from it?
Do I provide my child with emotional security, or do I make love and validation conditional?
How do I react when my child expresses disagreement?
a) I see it as disrespect and shut it down.
b) I listen and consider their perspective.
B. Emotional Needs vs. Material Wants
Do I prioritize giving my child material comforts (gadgets, clothes, entertainment) over fulfilling their emotional needs (trust, security, autonomy)?
Have I ever withheld emotional support as a form of punishment?
Do I recognize when my child needs space, encouragement, or guidance?
When my child asks for support, do I respond with:
a) "I know better, do what I say."
b) "Let’s explore the best way forward together."
2. Understanding Your Own Triggers and Projections
A. Your Emotional Intelligence as a Parent
Do I recognize my own fears, anxieties, or disappointments before projecting them onto my child?
Have I ever enforced strict rules based on my own unmet childhood dreams?
Do I take my child’s "no" as a personal rejection, or do I respect their autonomy?
When I feel emotionally overwhelmed, do I:
a) Take time to process and self-regulate?
b) Unintentionally take it out on my child?
B. Your Communication Style
When my child is struggling, do I:
a) Immediately offer a solution or judgment?
b) Ask them what they need from me?
Do I validate my child’s emotions, even when I don’t fully understand them?
How often do I actively listen to my child without interrupting or dismissing their concerns?
Do I foster open communication, or does my child fear being honest with me?
3. Creating a Conscious Parenting Plan
A. Small Steps to Shift the Dynamic
What is one behavior I can change to better support my child’s independence?
How can I create a safer emotional environment for my child to express themselves?
What steps can I take to strengthen my bond with my child without making them responsible for my emotions?
B. Commitment to Growth
Am I willing to unlearn outdated beliefs about parenting to better support my child’s well-being?
What resources (books, counseling, parenting groups) can help me in this journey?
Final Reflection: What is one thing I’ve learned about my parenting style through this worksheet, and what action will I take moving forward?
Conclusion:
Parenting is a journey of growth—for both parents and children. This worksheet is not about blame but about reflection and intentional change. By shifting from control to facilitation, you empower your child to develop resilience, confidence, and emotional intelligence—preparing them for life, not just obedience.
Comentários